How Raven Got Her Groove Back
by Mallobaude
Summary: Following her defeat at Haven Academy, Raven Branwen was a broken woman. She had no relic. She had no tribe. She had no friends or allies. But there was one thing she could have... if she could only find the strength and humility to get it back. Cover art by OmnipotrentZan5.


Raven Branwen had hit a new low.

The bandit leader had done many terrible things over the course of her life. She had ruined countless lives. She had abandoned her own daughter. She had even killed innocent people. But this? This was unthinkable in her mind.

Her brother Qrow was an utter embarrassment of a man. A filthy, stinking drunk. A man who could not live a day without hitting the bottle. Raven had always despised such a habit. She had hated his weakness. His dependence. His failure.

And now here she was doing the exact same thing. Raven sat alone in the ruins of Beacon Academy, a bottle of her own clasped firmly in her fingers. Thinking about happier times. Thinking about the past.

Thinking about Tai.

Yang had done a number on her. With a tongue as sharp as a blade, her estranged daughter had eviscerated the woman, bringing her to tears and forcing her to flee in shame. Now here she sat, lamenting her choices in life. She wished things could be different. She wished _she_ could be different.

Maybe they could. Maybe... if she could just see him again. Maybe they could recapture the magic.

Tossing her near-empty bottle aside, and hearing the shattering of glass, Raven reached down for the sword attached to her hip. With a single stroke, she activated her Semblance, slicing a hole in reality itself, and stepped inside the portal.

* * *

The room looked... different.

Raven exited her portal to reveal an unfamiliar room. It didn't look like Tai's cabin. Interesting. Maybe he had moved? Maybe he was on vacation somewhere? Where would someone like him even go on a teacher's salary? That was just another reason she couldn't stand to stay with him... the pay. Or lack thereof. As a bandit leader she had first pick of all the booty she managed to plunder. And plunder that booty tonight she would.

She stumbled through the halls searching for her quarry, her hands pressed up against the walls in order to keep her balance. This place was definitely too big to be Tai's cabin. Eventually she came upon a door. It was as good as any place to start. Without bothering to knock, she pushed it open and stepped through.

And then she saw him. That blonde, beautiful man who had once won her heart all those years ago. "Tai..." she gasped.

Bright blue eyes looked up at her in shock. "W-what?"

He looked good. _Really_ good. Clean-shaven... young. So young...

Her own crimson eyes squinted as she took a few steps forward to get a better look. "How old are you?"

The man before her fidgeted uncomfortably as his eyes darted off to the side. "Uh... eighteen?"

Raven's breath caught in her throat. No... that was impossible. Taiyang said he was eighteen. He looked so youthful. And this obviously wasn't his cabin. There was only one explanation.

She had gone back in time.

Her heart began to pound inside her chest. This was amazing. Incredible. Her portals had never allowed her to go back in time before. She had no idea her Semblance could even allow such a thing. Yet here she was. Standing with a young Taiyang Xiao Long in the flesh.

Maybe it was because she had been so devastated when she used her Semblance? Maybe it was her longing to go back to better times? In any case, this was an opportunity. One she couldn't pass up. If she could do things all over again... if she could make things better... then she would.

She would even be able to defeat Salem this time around.

The potential coursing through her was unparalleled. Raven lifted her hands up and began to examine them. "Wow... unreal," she gasped. "My gosh. This is amazing! I feel incredible!" Her fists began to pump up and down softly. "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I can win! I feel great! I! Can! Do! This!"

Raven's breathing came in desperate, ragged breaths as she thought about everything she was going to do. She had gone back in time to her days at Beacon. She was eighteen again, and she would be able to correct all of the mistakes she made before. Starting with this one...

Hungry eyes fell once more upon Tai. "Heeeey, Tai!" she said warmly, stumbling over closer to him. "You're looking good tonight..." Her head wobbled as she began to look the young man up and down. "Reeeal good."

"Raven?"

He was so adorable when he was confused. Tai always was such a goof. It was one reason why she fell for him so long ago. "Good, good, you know who I am," she said happily. "I haven't gone too far back in the timeline."

The blonde moved backward on his bed with trepidation in his eyes. "What in the world are you talking about?"

Raven drew ever closer to her prey. "You see, I've been given a second chance like Gandalf," she explained.

"Who's Gandalf?"

She waved a hand. "That's not important. What _is_ important is that you're here. And I'm here. So..."

Upon reaching the bed Raven climbed atop it, resting on her hands and knees before using one to push the blonde boy back down onto the bed. Wasting no time, she straddled his hips and brought a passionate, sloppy kiss down onto his lips.

He fought. He struggled. But there was no escaping her. Raven wanted him, and she would have him. She was going to make up for lost time.

She wasn't going to lose Tai in this timeline.

* * *

Jaune Arc had seen and experienced a lot of things. The greatest food fight in the history of mankind. The fall of a huntsman academy. The slaying of a Nucklavee. He had even learned that things like gods and magical powers were real.

But never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined that he would be making out with a hot older woman who happened to be Yang's mother as well as the Spring Maiden.

Despite all his strength, Jaune was no match for a Maiden. His best efforts to pry her lips off of his were to no avail. Not that he particularly wanted those surprisingly soft lips off of his...

No! He chased such terrible thoughts from his mind. He needed to start thinking with his big head instead of his little one. He could not just lie here and make out with Raven Branwen!

Jaune once more began to shove with all his might, pressing his hands against her chest and accidentally grabbed hold of her breasts like a good shounen anime protagonist. This finally did the trick, and Raven broke the kiss and raised her head to look down on him.

"Ooohh..." she smiled. "You ready to go already?"

Her breath smelled worse than it tasted. It reeked of Ruby and Yang's Uncle Qrow. And seeing how she probably hadn't been making out with her own brother like she had just done with him, Jaune concluded that she must have been drinking tonight. It was the only explanation for why she believed that he was Taiyang Xiao Long.

"Wait, Raven," he said. "This isn't what you think it is! We have to stop!"

His mouth said one thing, but his loins said another. Jaune couldn't prevent his body from reacting to the totally hot MILF who was sitting on his lap.

"Come on, Tai," Raven continued, ignoring his protests as she brought her lips to his neck, tracing kisses down until she reached his collarbone. She pulled back up, running her tongue across her lips as she gazed down hungrily at him. "Let's go make us a Yang!"

Make us a... oh gods.

She was going to have sex with him!

Mind once more fought against body. Logic battled lust. His hands were moving without him even thinking. They were already on her body, despite his best efforts to stop himself. He was only an eighteen year old guy, after all! This totally smoking hot older woman wanted him. He could do it! He could have sex with Raven Branwen!

...except for the fact that she thought he was Ruby and Yang's father. And once she found out the truth, then he would be a very, _very_ dead Arc. So he did the one and only thing which came to mind.

"Ruby!"

* * *

Fingers tightened on the pages, threatening to tear them so that the book would no longer be in mint condition!

The loud commotion coming from outside her room was once again interrupting Ruby from reading her favorite Mistrali comic book, Absolute Boyfriend. She loved Absolute Boyfriend. Look it up, it's canon. It was filled with romance, and it was important to show everyone that she was not some naive, asexual little girl. She had needs too! Needs for robotic love, according to her taste in comics.

So Ruby eagerly counted down the days to when Penny would be successfully brought back to live and reintroduced to the plot, albeit with a completely new set of memories. Then Ruby would be forced to reenact her favorite Adam Sandler movie "50 First Dates" with the mechanical love of her life. This was a much more important use of her time than asking Ozpin about her silver eyes.

Ruby was pleased that she had made it through yet another volume without asking about her super Grimm-killing ability. After all, who needed that in a world filled with the creatures of Grimm? That would just be too easy. Life was like a video game to the girl. She dared not use up any of her special abilities or power ups until she met the final boss. To do anything less prior to meeting Salem face to face would simply be wasteful.

Speaking of wasteful, the noise from the room next to hers persisted, and she was wasting precious downtime listening to it rather than reading about cybernetic love. She was on the fence about going over to Jaune's room and giving him a piece of her mind, but the decision was made for her when she heard his girlish scream calling her name.

Ruby leapt out of bed and stomped out of her room. To her surprise, his door was wide open. And to her horror, there was an all too familiar face in that room with him.

Silver eyes widened as she gasped. "Raven?"

The woman turned back to look at her, still mounted atop Jaune. That changed, however, when Yang's mother realized who was there. "Summer?"

Or not.

Raven stood up and stumbled across the room to where Ruby stood. Shock and disbelief was etched on her face, as if she was looking at a ghost. "Summer... you're alive!"

"W-what? What are you talking about? I'm not-"

Ruby was stopped in her tracks when the Spring Maiden reached out and placed a hand upon her cheek. The girl froze, as Raven's fingers gently stroked her face, as if she didn't believe the girl was real. "Yes, you are..." she said softly. "I can't believe it. I really do have a chance to make everything right again. Yang isn't born yet. You're not dead yet. We can do this! We really can! Team STRQ is back in action! Where's Qrow!"

Probably drunk. Much like his sister...

Raven certainly smelled like her Uncle Qrow. The glazed look in her eyes was an all too familiar look for Ruby. It was a wonder she was able to stand at all.

Qrow would know how to deal with this. He'd better, because right now Ruby was at an absolute loss on what to do. Other than fetching her probably drunken uncle...

"Yeah... let me go get Qrow for you," Ruby said hesitantly. She peeked over Raven's shoulder at Jaune, who still looked shell shocked as he sat atop his bed. The poor guy. She had to save him. "Jaune, you wanna come with me and find Qrow?"

Those were clearly the wrong choice of words, and in a flash Raven leapt back over to Jaune and grabbed hold of his arm. "Stay back! He's mine!"

He was hers? Since when did Raven have any interest in Jaune? There was no way a relationship between Raven and Jaune could ever realistically work! Besides, he was kind of weak, and that went against Raven's whole philosophy of the strong live and the weak die. Jaune would have to become an absolute badass over night in order for Raven to have any sort of interest in him. And that would just be unrealistic!

Still, Ruby's curiosity was piqued. Really more of a morbid curiosity. "What do you mean, he's yours?"

"I'm not gonna fuck things up this time," Raven explained, offering little explanation. "You can't have him! And your dumb, squeaky-voiced child will never be born!"

It occurred to Ruby that Raven had just insulted her, thinking that she was in fact her mother. So not only did Raven hate her voice, but she wanted her to never be born. How rude! There was nothing wrong with Ruby's voice. Much like reverse puberty, it simply got higher as she got older. Eventually by Volume 12 Ruby will reach the point where her voice is so high-pitched that only dogs will be able to hear her. That will be when Zwei finally returns and gets to shine as he defeats the forces of evil once and for all.

So Ruby felt bullied. And like any bullied child, she did what came naturally, and called for her older sibling to protect her. "Yang!"

* * *

Yang's big sister sense was tingling, even before she heard the shrill voice of Ruby call her name. She dashed through the halls of The House™, coming to find Ruby standing outside of Jaune's door. Her eyes were red, and she was ready to pulverize whatever was causing her sister distress.

"What's wrong, Ruby?" she asked as she came to stand next to her sister. And then she saw it. The most dangerous threat she or her team had ever faced. The woman whose only weakness was a stern talking-to from her one-armed daughter. "Mom?"

She found Raven sitting on a bed next to Jaune, clenching the boys arm while stroking a hand through his hair. The sight would have been comical if it wasn't so disturbing.

Her mother looked up at the new arrival and squinted. "Who... are you?"

Yang didn't know how to react. Her eyes were already red, so it wasn't as if she could go Super Saiyang again... or could she? Maybe she could go Super Saiyang 2? Super Duper Saiyang? She would definitely have to work on that. After all, Semblances were so weird and subject to retcons that she could practically do anything until someone told her that she couldn't! So maybe if she got really, _really_ angry, her eyes would turn cyan! Or magenta! And then she would be the most powerful warrior in the universe.

"What do you mean, who am I?" Yang asked angrily, trying with all her might to achieve her second form. Then she saw the Uncle Qrow in Raven's eyes. "Are you... drunk?"

"I'm sorry," Raven seemed to say genuinely. "But I don't remember you. Perhaps the timeline was affected when I went back."

Timeline? What madness was this? "Mom. I know you're drunk, but how do you not remember me!"

Raven swayed back and forth, and grabbed hold of Jaune tighter in order to steady herself. "Look, I'm flattered you're so interested..." She looked over at the boy with an unfamiliar expression of affection in her eyes. "But this guy here is the only one who gets to call me mommy..."

Yang bit back the bile that was building up in her throat.

Jaune looked up at his fellow blonde, a look of fear in his eyes. "Yang... help..." he whimpered.

"Oh I'll help you get a Yang alright," Raven said lustfully. "As soon as Summer and... whoever that is leave, I'll make a Yang with you all night long."

Summer? Make a Yang? Timeline...

It suddenly clicked with Yang. Her dumb, drunk of a mother thought she had gone back in time and was talking to Tai. And Summer. No wonder the woman didn't recognize her own daughter.

Yang supposed she should be happy that Raven was so intent on giving birth to her again. In her own twisted mind, perhaps she wanted to do right by her daughter. That was... heartwarming, right? Still, it did sting that the woman couldn't even remember her own daughter's face in her inebriated state.

She wasn't in the mood to deal with this. Only one person had the experience and knowledge in order to deal with a drunk Raven. "Uncle Qrow!"

* * *

Qrow was making gruff, angry noises as he stumbled through The House™. He knew that was why people liked him. He was the rough around the edges uncle with a heart of gold. He was cool. He had problems that most people couldn't understand, and had suffered vague tragedies his whole life due to his Semblance. He was a tragic character through and through, filled with tragedy! Like, did he ever harbor secret feelings for Summer Rose? Who knows, but the possibility of that _maybe_ being true made him ripe for even more tragedy!

Couldn't a man just get drunk and pass out in peace? Why did Yang have to call him? Couldn't she have just gone to Ozpin instead if she needed any exposition? With Ozpin in the picture now, Qrow no longer had to fulfill his duty of being the expository mentor character for Teams RWBY and JNPR. Half the time Qrow didn't even know why he was there at all.

He got to Jaune's room, where he saw Ruby and Yang hovering near the doorway. If that boy was doing something to harass his nieces, then no amount of Aura boosting would save the boy from his wrath.

"What's going on, kiddos?" he slurred as he stood behind the two girls.

And then he saw it. At first he thought his drunken eyes were deceiving him, but then he heard her voice.

"Wow, my ass is amazing," his sister said as she paraded around in a Beacon Academy uniform far too small for her fully grown body. "I must have had a growth spurt in this timeline!"

The skirt only went down to the very tops of her thighs, revealing far too much skin to be legal. The blouse on the other hand could barely be buttoned up halfway, with her bra-clad cleavage spilling out for all to see. Whose uniform was that anyway? Ruby's?

Qrow blinked. "Raven... what are you doing?"

His sister turned, and a bright smile erupted on her face. "Qrow!" she greeted warmly. "You look... exactly the same as you do twenty years from now. I always thought that was kind of odd, but seeing is believing!"

He blinked again. "Huh?"

"The team's back together now," she continued. "We gotta get to Beacon soon! We have classes tomorrow! But for now, Tai and me here were just about to get busy..." she said motioning to Jaune. "You go take Summer and whoever this is and get outta here. Okay?"

A third blink. "I'm way too drunk to deal with this. "C'mon, girls. Let's go."

So Qrow, Ruby and Yang all left, leaving Jaune alone with Raven.

And that's the story of how they got a third sister.

Don't worry. Jaune was fine in the end. He was a good father, too.

And for the first time in her life, Raven was a good mother. For Good Yang. That's what they named her. Yes, that is a King of the Hill reference.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Maximum shitposting levels achieved. This is the kind of stuff my mind comes up with when I procrastinate writing my longer, more serious stories...

Special thanks go out to the one and only **Constable Paperbag** for inspiring me to write this. Blame him.

I hope you enjoyed... whatever this was. Thanks for reading.


End file.
